And The World Falls Apart... (R'gar)

[Lady Smara]

It had surprised Prontin to feel his hands lift to her own face, his fingers a warm kiss against her skin. He didn’t even need to apply pressure to turn her face upward, she was already doing it of her accord as she tried to understand why he was feeling her face in return. It all happened so quickly, so fluid in his movements, that Prontin did not even have time to register that his face was coming down to join hers until she felt the press of his lips ever so gentle upon her own.

It was electric. The flutters in her stomach now had an added fire and while this was a new experience for her, she found her body naturally responding as she returned the gentle kiss. Her blind eyes did not close, but there was no need. Her senses were already triggered and her sense of touch seemed to pick up every little detail. Each rough callous on his fingers as he lifted her chin, each gentle curve of his lips… she picked up on it all and it made her world spin pleasantly.

Laying a hand flat on his face, she gently guided him back to her lips as he attempted to pull away. This was a new sensation; a new feeling; a new way to explore that she was not yet done with. Kissing him again, a little more firmly as she let her lips feel each muscle in his… she melted, letting out a slow and shaky breath as their lips finally broke contact.

[Marnark]

He didn't know what he had expected. Probably because he had expected nothing. He hadn't thought about it at all before he'd just gone and done it. But he surely hadn't expected her to not only return the kiss, but ask for another. Take another. It was a pleasant sensation, far better than getting slapped for his forwardness. R'gar willingly gave her the second kiss she wanted, a bit more of a kiss than the first one had been.

Straightening after the second kiss, R'gar looked down at her. Only then did he pause to wonder if she'd ever been kissed before ... whether she had or not, he'd certainly stolen the first from her. Whether it was her actual first ever or not. But the second was a whole other matter. She'd asked for that one. In a way it kept him from being quite so guilty about the first. But it all still left his head spinning.

He'd kissed her! He'd kissed her? She'd kissed him back! What did it mean? R'gar had no idea. But if it had been difficult to be comfortable in her presence before, it was impossible now. He wanted to kiss her again. Touch her. But he dared not.

Completely at a loss for what he should do, or what he could do, R'gar reached up and ran a finger along the side of her face, brushing a stray lock of hair aside. He'd heard her, but also didn't know what exactly that meant either. Some part of him thought he ought to apologize to her. But for what, exactly? Taking a kiss she'd doubled up on? That was silly at best. And what could he say? There was nothing to say. He was just simply highly aware of her, much to his chagrin. All of her, from her damp hair to her standing there in nothing but one of his shirts, her bare legs ...

It was unbearable.

He should get her home. Quickly. That was all there was to it. Unfortunately ... he didn't want to. What he should do and what he wanted to do weren't lining up at all. He wanted to kiss her again, and again. To taste her skin.

Completely without R'gar noticing, Apollath moved away from them, back into his couch. Curling up there, he rested his head on his front feet and just watched the two of them standing there almost motionless. Briefly he wondered if that's all they were doing, or if they were communicating some how. All he really knew was that R'gar's thoughts were making a lot of sense and none at the same time. So confused.

"Prontin?" R'gar asked, finally. Even though he didn't have anything else to say, no words to form any true question, the question was still there. The falling rain pounding the ledge mercilessly never ceased, but it barely registered on his consciousness.

[Lady Smara]

As he straightened from the kiss, Prontin allowed her hands to drift down from his face to rest upon his broad chest. It was more of a steadying act than a searching one. The kisses had left her breathless, her stomach seemed to be in a constant flutter and her blood burned beneath her skin. All of the sensations were so keen… she had never felt this way before and while she was unsure of it she did not find it painful. In fact, it was enjoyable in an exciting sort of way.

Feeling that finger run along the side of her face, Prontin turned toward his touch almost like a feline accepting their attention. Her thoughts and senses were so finely tuned toward R’gar that she too did not realize Apollath had moved further away to settle down and watch the pair. The silence stretched between the two of them, but Prontin barely noticed as she let her mind run through its thoughts.

A moment ago R’gar had been unable to tell her that she was pretty, in fact he still had not actually said it, but rather kissed her as she had been attempting to see his face. His face had been pleasant to feel. She could not exactly call it handsome for lack of comparison, but she had to admit she had enjoyed its feel greatly. Even so, this was the first time she had received a kiss for observing someone’s face. First time she had received a kiss outside of her family members at all, really. What did it mean?

Apollath said R’gar liked her, really liked her. But know that was one thing and knowing what to do with it was another. Should she kiss him again? Should she tell him that she enjoyed his company too? The way her thoughts had been centering around him over the past several sevendays, she now wondered if it was because there was something more there.

Hearing her name broke her thoughts and she found that she had been leaning lightly upon his chest as she dealt with her mind. Pressing her lips together, she answered with a soft ‘Hmm?’ without need to adjust her face toward his voice, she seemed to be still facing him directly. While she could not see it, her eyes did fall upon his face for once with their cloudy orbs.

Was there a question that followed that call of her name? It sounded like there should have been, but nothing else escaped his lips – nothing in the form of words, anyways. The emotions were thick upon his baritone voice, but they were all foreign to her. Vaguely something reminded her of the gold flight when they had first met and she found herself growing warmer.

“Ah… There are no dragon’s flying now, are there?” she asked softly, part of her mind almost hoping so, it would explain his actions a little easier. The other part of her being, however, knew that there was not – and it was that fact that kept her pulse racing.

[Marnark]

Again, R'gar was confounded. Though he had no idea why. He was confused, turned around, and yet not. He knew what he wanted, but he didn't know what to do about it. He knew what he should do, but it didn't line up at all with what he wanted. What was he supposed to do? That and not knowing what she thought of his ... well ... there was no other way of putting it. He'd crossed the line. Pretty far, actually.

And the only answer she had for him was 'hmm?' It really didn't help much, but what had he expected, really? He hadn't asked her a real question. Nothing. Ugh, he was so stupid!

But as confusing and frustrating as the moment was, he also enjoyed it. Standing so near Prontin, she didn't move away. In fact, it rather felt like she was relying on him to keep her upright. As odd as that might seem. But then she asked a question, one that had his ears coloring. Shardit. He might as well be as transparent as glass. Even the blind could see through him.

"Uh ... not that I'm aware of." R'gar offered. And really, in this weather any dragon that tried to fly, much less participate in an actual Flight was asking for a death warrant. It was difficult to walk in that weather, much less fly. He didn't have to ask her why she asked, though. Really ... how decent of him was it to have here here, in his weyr rather than in the infirmary. Hardly dressed at all, and kissing her? It wasn't decent at all. Somewhere along the way he'd somehow managed to lose all of his professionalism.

He shifted his weight slightly, trying to think. Trying to figure out how to make it better. Better in the proper way. "I don't think your clothes are going to dry in this weather. But I can take you home anyway, if you want." Ach, that didn't come out right at all. It sounded like a lame attempt at covering his ass, despite how she had seen right through him. Instead of his attempt at getting back on the proper track.

But was there any hope of mending anything, after that? Really and truly? There didn't seem to be anyway to make it back to where he was supposed to be. Healers just weren't supposed to fraternize with their patients. And here he was with Prontin in his own weyr, kissing on her.

Nevermind he wanted to, and so much more. Ach! He was distracting himself again. That wasn't good!

Apollath let out a slow sigh, and closed his eyes. His was impossible. Always complicated, always professional. Never letting things be as they simply were. You know, you didn't rescue her. I did. He reminded.

True, but I am still her Healer. I still had to take care of her. R'gar countered, earning another sigh from the brown. It was really difficult to argue with not only himself, but his dragon too. Whatever in the world was he going to do? He should probably apologize to her, but he didn't want to. He wanted to do it again.

Despite not knowing her take on it at all, other than her being mighty perceptive despite being blind. She knew.

[Lady Smara]

Hearing his reply, she felt strangely comfortable with it. At least she knew this was all R’gar then and not a dragon in heat conducting his thoughts and movements. She remembered very vividly the way she had felt as the queen had risen for this last clutch, and while the way she was feeling was similar – it was of her own accord and not so overpowering that she could barely handle herself. At least in this moment she had more of her own thoughts.

Feeling his shift in the way he was standing, Prontin realized how much she was leaning on him. While one part of her mind reminded her that she had never been a burden with how easily he has carried her from one place to another and even lifted her upon the back of the runner, she couldn’t help but wonder if she was being bother some doing so now. The words that followed only strengthened that worry.

Letting her hands fall so that she held herself up once more, she held one within another tightly as her face took on a look of apology. Oh no, he was upset. Somewhere between his kiss and now she had done something wrong, hadn’t she? It had been such a wonderful feeling and she had only reacted as she felt was natural… But R’gar sounded upset and his words screamed that she should go now.

Prontin’s face hung, her sightless gaze falling downward again as she let her tongue moisten her lips. “I can go, if you need me to, R’gar. But I should not return home without my own clothes on. Time away I can explain to being lost and my parents will understand, it happens often enough.”

[Marnark]

Shardit. Sharditsharditshardit.

But what could he say? Really? He was confused, and he was confusing her with it. And now she was sad. Or dejected or something. He didn't eve know. She had drawn away ... and while it allowed him a moment to breathe, it wasn't at all pleasant. To have her draw away physically and apparently also socially. That ... wasn't what he wanted. Needed, probably. But not what he wanted.

Suddenly, R'gar realized that what he wanted was starting to outweigh what he needed to do. It was downright painful to see her like that ... and to know he had done it. He started to try and fix that, but her final statement brought him to a screeching halt.

Her parents!!

Shardit, he was an idiot. A complete and total idiot! In this storm, they were probably turning out all hands looking for her, to find out where she was, make sure she was safe. And here he was, hoarding her away in his weyr! Worse, he'd already undressed her once already.

R'gar sighed. What could he do? What should he do? "Prontin ... I'm sorry. That's not what I meant. I'd love to have you stay, but ... it's hardly appropriate. On top of that, your folks are probably looking for you already." He explained. Or tried to at least. "I can go get you some ... other clothes. But I can't let you put yours back on until they're dry. It's not healthy. Nor are they quite clean, only rinsed out." R'gar offered.

Apollath heaved a sigh of his own. You two are both being utterly ridiculous, I hope you realize. He commented.

Shut up Apo. R'gar snapped, silently. Things were complicated enough without his dragon injecting comments like that ... and given the words he'd used, R'gar was pretty sure he'd said it to Prontin too. "Don't mind him."

[Lady Smara]

“If it is not what you meant, why did you say it? Is that not the same as lying?” Prontin asked, her voice soft as she continued to let her head hang. After her conversation with Apollath and hearing that his words were not what he wished to say, Prontin found a slight sting at the idea that R’gar may not be entirely truthful with her. Could people so hide their emotions from their voice so well?

Turning her back to R’gar, she reached out carefully, searching for a wall, or Apollath. Any point of direction would do. He did not want her here, it was made clear through the reasons he came up with that she should go. So she would find a wall, find her clothes and leave. It seemed simple enough in theory, but these things always proved to be harder in a foreign world for her. He wouldn’t let her put her clothes on… But she also did not see R’gar to be the type to keep her physically from them either. Then again, she did not see him being untruthful to her either.

Hearing Apollath in her mind had her hesitated before taking another step forward in hopes that there was a wall there. “The definition of ridiculous changed depending on who’s eyes you look through. Needless to say, I can’t see anything ridiculous here beyond me being where I am not wanted. I am sorry I bothered you getting lost in the storm R’gar. Thank you for doing your duty as a healer.”

[Marnark]

R'gar watched her turn about and take an uncertain step away from him, holding his silence even as he felt that heart might up and quit on him. Which at the same time made him realize he was far more invested than even had thought. Shards, when had that happened? But there was no doubt about it, she was mad at him. For what? Why? Because he cared?

"I say I could if you wanted." He offered, in half-hearted defense. More of a question than anything else, it had been. Even if he hadn't originally meant it that way ... or had he? He didn't know anything anymore. But it was far more painful than he'd ever expected to be shunned by her.

Really, the whole situation was entirely ridiculous.

He wanted to help guide her somewhere so she would know where she was, but somehow he didn't think she would appreciate that very much. Mostly because it would involve his being near again, and probably touching her. Shardit, he never should have kissed her. Things were just going downhill from there, and terribly fast at that. Maybe that was a good thing for practical reasons. End this thing while it could still be ended.

But R'gar found rather painfully that he didn't want it to end. Not that he was being given much choice. She wanted out, he wasn't going to make her stay. Regardless of what he wanted. It was a one-sided investment, and foolish on top of that. Seeing that, finally, he moved again. He could get over it. R'gar collected her damp clothing in silence, folding them together before wrapping a towel around them to make them easy to carry. Securing it with a knot, he set it down and looked at her again sadly.

"I never said you weren't wanted here." R'gar offered, the best he could come up with as a peace offering. But he knew better than to tell her just how much she really was wanted. That crossed the line from lewd to obscene. "You are no bother to me, but you are welcome. I am glad we were able to help you." He looked at the bundle, and then over at her again.

This was far more difficult than it should be. "Do you want me to see you to your place?" Better to ask than to assume either way. But right now it sounded like she really didn't want anything to do with him anymore. Which was understandable. He'd crossed that line.

Giving up on them both, Apollath turned his head to the wall and rested there, heaving a big sigh. Humans. Such idiots. All of them. Even his!

[Lady Smara]

She managed to find a wall as she moved forward, she chose her direction from the sound of R’gar’s own movements. Listening to water fall and material move, she guessed he was doing something with her clothes. Moving along the wall, her legs bumped heavily upon the boards that held up the bed. Wincing, she put a hand out to figure out what she had bumped into in her own clumsyness.

“But you said yourself, my being here was inappropriate.” She muttered back softly after hearing his words. Tears threatened her eyes though at the moment she could not tell if they were from the smart on her shin or from the snap she had made a moment ago to R’gar. She knew it had been mean of her, and she heard the hurt in his voice, but she had spoken truthfully as much as she hated it.

Hearing his offer to guide her home, she shook her head as she closed her own eyes, determined not to let any tears fall. Her words, however, did not make it sound like she had even heard him. “I don’t understand why it is inappropriate for me to be here, R’gar. Is it because you are a healer? Or is it because I am blind?”

[Marnark]

R'gar was saddened to hear her answer, but he winced when she walked into the bed. Clearly, as independent as she was, she needed a guide in unfamiliar space. The halls up here were certainly unfamiliar to her. If he let her go, chances were good no one would ever see her again she would get so thoroughly lost. "It is. That doesn't mean even a little bit that I don't want you around." He admitted, setting the bundle down and stepping over to her to guide her around the furniture with a gentle hand that almost didn't touch her.

Hearing her question though, it made his heart drop. Did she really think that he wanted her gone because she was blind? Somehow, he should have guessed that ... as strong as she was in the face of it, there would always be those niggling doubts, those what ifs, the whys. "No, Prontin. It's not either of those. It is because ... well ... " He sighed unhappily, searching for the right words. "It is because I am your Healer, and you were my charge. That is why. That is all."

For a moment he was quiet before he continued. She needed to understand. He needed to understand. But that was the problem. He didn't understand. He had no idea what she was really thinking about any of it. But he supposed he would never find out for sure if he didn't lay his own cards upon the table for her to see. Keeping them hidden was only stirring up a shitton of animosity, clearly. She misunderstood his reasons for everything.

Or at least, it seemed that way.

"Back at the Healer hall ... if it became known what I just did to you ..." He trailed off for a moment before continuing. "That I had kissed you. I would be stripped of my knots and kicked out the door. My entire life of training as a Healer would be wrecked. It ... it is something that is worse than frowned upon, to become as involved ... attached ... as this. It is inappropriate because it removes the professionalism, the impartiality that allows a Healer to keep a clear head, to do what has to be done to save lives. I hope you understand. I should care for my patients, but not as much as I do for you. That is what is inappropriate. Not that you are here ... but that I want you to be here." He admitted, knowing full well that he was laying everything out before her, and she could scatter it all, destroy it with a word. But it didn't really matter anymore.

R'gar knew he was a fool. A fool in general, a fool for her. And now she knew it. No matter which way things went, it was all just that. Foolishness. Nothing would change the fact that he was barreling full-tilt over a cliff with no bottom. He'd set himself up for this fall with no basis in fact at all other than his own foolishness. She'd given him no reason to think there was anything there for him. She could ... and probably would ... walk away, she could and just might even report him for his transgressions. He stood to lose everything in that moment, but he was completely aware of it. Prepared for the other shoe to drop. No action came without an equal reaction after all.

But he'd wanted her to understand. Understand that this difficulty was not because she was blind. Her life long condition had played no part in this awkwardness. If nothing else was accomplished, he wanted her to know that. To give her that self confidence. Even if it led to his own ruin as anything other than Apollath's rider.

[Lady Smara]

Taking his hand more out of habit than acceptance, she allowed him to guide her around the bed. The slight touch of his hand was so light it tickled and she put her hand more firmly in his to keep her skin from dancing. It did not help, however, as she felt the warmth and strength within his easy grip. His words spoke clearly and she heard the sigh that painted the conversation into a sad one. It sounded as if someone had beaten the fight out of him. Taken his spirit and happiness away in one deft swoop. Have I stolen that from him?

Listening carefully to his words, she slowly raised her head higher as he continued to speak until her eyes looked through his own with uneasy accuracy. Those clouded orbs shook for a moment as the water she had been trying to hold back threatened again. To think that his whole life and his craft that he was so good at could be taken away for something as small as a kiss… yet even as she thought back to that kiss she had to admit that small was the last thing it had seemed.

“Then you are saying that your feelings are what is inappropriate.” She said slowly, trying hard to understand. Reaching up toward his face, she poked him in the cheek while trying to find his face before laying her hand upon it gently. She wanted to know that he was listening to her next words. “I was your charge, R’gar. And you were a wonderful healer. But we are not here as healer and wounded. I am here as Prontin, a blind drudge who has fantasies of being a harper that will never come true. It is your choice, R’gar, if you are here as R’gar the healer with the patience of a mother… or… if you are here as R’gar, rider of Brown Apollath and a Dragonrider of Refuge Weyr.”

Letting a thumb slide slowly across his cheek, she let out her own heartfelt sigh. “I have met R’gar the healer… I would like to meet R’gar the Rider.”

[Marnark]

R'gar flinched when she stabbed him in the face with a finger, but it was a small, instinctive reaction more than one of actual discomfort. Truthfully, Prontin was not stout enough to do him any damage even if she tried. "You could say that." He agreed. Her assessment was bang on, disturbingly so. Her being there wasn't the problem ... it was his reaction to her being there.

It was rather distressing to see her fighting back tears though. Had he wounded her so? He certainly hadn't meant to. He almost didn't feel her touch on his cheek but for the warmth that it brought to his skin. He was too distracted by the sight of her looking so very hurt, so very sad ... and what she said. Her words did not match her face at all. Her words were wise, but it was a very fine line he wasn't sure anyone else would see. Beyond that, it only left him more confused.

"I am one and the same." R'gar answered. Some part of him understood, another part struggled with her statement. What, exactly, did she want him to do? "I can be that." He said, finally. Hopefully she would clarify on what she was expecting. What she meant. Because he was well and truly lost. Did this mean she was forgiving him for his transgressions? Or what? The rain seemed to drum thunderously in his awareness as he struggled for understanding.

He reached up to touch her hand for a moment, not sure what he was supposed to do. What he wanted to do was touch her face in return, wipe away those tears that threatened. Hug her, reassure her that he hadn't meant to hurt her so. But ... he was pretty sure he couldn't do that. Damage done was damage done. She already wanted to leave without assistance, he didn't want to make her angrier.

[Lady Smara]

Hearing his acceptance to be R’gar the Rider, even if it seemed uncertain, Prontin closed her eyes. She could not shake the feeling that, like this practice of taking away one’s craft, there was more to the way R’gar was. She knew he was from the North, just like the harper J’zen, but even so it seemed terrible and cruel that they would threaten such a thing. Even her, blind as she was, would have been devastated if they took away her violin even though she could never truly hold the title of ‘harper’.

What did she hope to learn from asking him to show her his other side? Did she really think someone different would be standing on the other side? Did she believe a Southern man stood on the other side, one she could understand better? Did she even want that? She enjoyed R’gar’s company just the way he was… more than she had first realized. But she did not like the idea that he was holding things back because he was a healer and because he was from the north.

Feeling his hand on the back of hers, she let her hand slide slowly back on his cheek until her fingers brushed against his hair. Sliding them down smoothly, she followed the lines and muscles of his neck as the wrapped forward to his chest. Stepping forward, she pressed her forehead gently into his chest before taking a deep breath, remembering how much she enjoyed his scent.

That was what she wanted. She wanted to know R’gar. All of him, from every angle and every point of view. She truly did like him as Apollath had described the feeling. She didn’t want him to keep pulling things away from her.

[Marnark]

R'gar had no idea what he was expecting. But to have her suddenly move closer and lean on him, touching him again with that gentle soft touch of hers ... that certainly hadn't been it. She was reigniting everything that had reared its head in him earlier ... and he'd thought he'd successfully put it all to bed in trying to get her home. Apparently not, if it was so easily brought up again. His heart was racing inside his chest, going from wanting to stop to overdrive in no time flat. Given how she was leaning on his chest, he was more than certain she could hear every pounding thud that he could so painfully feel.

With her so near, it was more than he could stand. He couldn't handle her being there like that, and not touch her. R'gar wanted to touch her so badly that he couldn't describe it. He ran his fingers over her hair, only just now starting to dry out a bit simply due to water being heavy enough to run off of the ends of the strands. Down to her back, he rubbed her shoulders a bit before settling in for a real hug. Holding her to him gently, he didn't want to let go, and most certainly didn't want to take her home.

But she was still being silent in her expressiveness. He was very thankful that she had her face turned away from him. It made it easier to resist the desire to kiss her again - something he knew beyond a shadow of doubt that he shouldn't do again. At least, not until he was more than certain what she wanted. Because right now? He had no idea what she wanted. What she was doing. Why. It was entirely possible that she was just tired from her experiences of the day. Stress did that to a body ... not only from the storm, but everything he'd just heaped on her too.

R'gar pulled a slow breath, trying to think. "Tell me what you want, Prontin, and I'll take care of it." And it didn't matter what her answer was. If she wanted to go home, he'd take her. If she wanted to stay, he'd let her. Anything. He just needed to know what she wanted, instead of mucking around in the dark. Give him something to do, a direction, something to grasp onto to keep himself sane. Before he made more irreparable mistakes by blundering around blind until he simply collapsed under the weight of his desires outweighing his practical, thinking mind.

It was really sad, when thought of it that way. Here he was the one that could see, and he was asking her to lead. In anything but the metaphorical sense, it was preposterous from the get go.

[Lady Smara]

She felt his hands on her hair and her senses followed his touch as he moved to hug her close. It was a gentle hug, purely comfortable and not at all painful in its gentleness. And it was warm. It made her want to press closer to him, and she did, lifting her other hand to his chest as well and leaning against him once more. She could have stayed like that, warm and stable, comfortable forever.

Hearing his words break through the comfortable silence, she opened her eyes again, though it changed little from her perspective. “I want you to talk to me, R’gar. I want to know who you are. Do you have a family back in the North?” Asking the first question she could think of from a long list, she did not turn her face back up toward his, but instead let her head continue to rest on his wide, sturdy chest.

It was true, that through all of the stress Prontin was growing tired and while she was beginning to lean on R’gar for stability, she also leaned on him for companionship. She could hear his heart, though to her own ears it was not nearly as loud or quick as he probably imagined it. What caught her attention more, however, were the muscles in his chest and stomach. The way they moved as he wrapped his arms around her, solid and secure.